


what's missing from me (is a piece of you)

by booklovingelephants



Category: Carmen Sandiego (Cartoon 2019)
Genre: F/F, Post-Season/Series 04, carmen comes back for jules because of course she does, is this angst? probably, me? posting something for the first time in months? its more likely than you think, we have a happy ending don't worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 05:41:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30067530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/booklovingelephants/pseuds/booklovingelephants
Summary: carmen sandiego is bad at saying goodbye. it's not even a problem, really (until it is). after two years, her mother finally convinces her to go back and make things right.
Relationships: Julia "Jules" Argent/Carmen Sandiego | Black Sheep
Comments: 13
Kudos: 66





	what's missing from me (is a piece of you)

Carmen Sandiego was bad at saying goodbye. 

It wasn’t even a problem, really, most of the time. Why bother saying goodbye, why bother wasting time on the fact that this would pass, instead of enjoying it while it lasted? At first, she simply convinced herself it was to add to her mystery: she was the scarlet super thief, she came without warning and disappeared at the drop of a hat. 

Then came her goodbye (or really, the lack of one) to Ivy and Zack. 

Carmen had meant to give them a proper goodbye. Really, she had. But after all she had put them through, after all the anguish and suffering she had caused, all the hurt that still echoed in their eyes whenever they looked at her, it had become too much. Too hard. She hadn’t been able to say goodbye. She couldn’t look into their eyes and know that she was the reason for the tears building in them. Not again. 

And then there was Jules. Sweet, kind, smart Jules. She had written out a note for her a what felt like a thousand times, erasing and rewording and crumpling until she was left with a hundred half written letters and all the words that she couldn’t make herself say spread around her. All the memories of what had been before and never would be again. 

Eventually, Carmen realized that no note would ever be good enough, no piece of paper could make up for her absence in any way that mattered. So she gave up, trying to convince herself it was for the better. Jules will be better without me; she’ll start a new life without me getting in her way and making her a target. She’ll be happy. 

Carmen had already seen how much they had hurt the first time she had left. She couldn’t bear to put them through that again, to see the look on their face when she had to go. If that made her a coward, so be it. Her pathetic excuse for a note for Ivy and Zach would have to be enough. And for Jules, she had left nothing, but that had to be better than being endangered by someone she had never wanted in her life to begin with. Carmen knew that if she had to say her goodbyes in person, she wouldn’t be able to bring herself to go. 

And she had to. Go, that is. She had brought enough danger in her friends' lives; she had caused them enough heartache. Every moment she stayed around them, they were put at risk, the what-ifs of what might happen ringing in her head. What if VILE breaks out and targets them to hurt me? What if I become that dark, cruel, heartless stranger again? What if- 

She left the what ifs behind when she stepped on the plane. If she was far away, her friends couldn’t be hurt again. They would be safe, and happy, and live the life they had always dreamed of. 

She could live with nothing but memories left to remember her friends by. She had a mother now, and the orphans and a life. The loneliness would pass. Even if it didn’t, she would survive. As long as it meant they were safe. 

Carmen Sandiego was the one called the crimson ghost, but sometimes she felt like the only living person left in a sea of phantoms. 

Julia Argent was bad at saying hello. 

It wasn’t even a problem, really, most of the time. She might not have a lot of friends, but she was grateful for those she did have. Julia had come to appreciate Devineaux’s determination and persistence (and the fact that he had become much less insufferable as of late), so the two had gone from distant work partners to somewhat close friends. She had even been welcomed into Zack and Ivy and Player’s circle. Team Red, they called themselves. 

Well, they had. It had become a bit of a sore spot after the actual lady in red disappeared. 

Considering Carmen had left the closest thing she had to family nothing more than a note, it shouldn’t have hurt so much that Julia had been left with nothing. It shouldn’t have hurt. It shouldn’t. Julia didn’t know what she had expected, what she had thought would happen. 

But anything had to be better than the slow emptiness eating at her from the inside. Julia couldn’t count how many times she had seen Ivy sitting in an empty room at ACME. Hugging the note Carmen had left to her chest. Tears slowly making their way down her cheeks. 

Next to that kind of pain, what right did Julia have to the loneliness that ate at her? What claim could she make to her sadness? Here she was with her dream job, an amazing group of friends, the life she had always dreamed of having. 

And yet. 

And yet. 

Julia could live with the memories that haunted her if they were all she had left. If the tears that fell from her eyes every night were all she had left of Carmen, she would embrace them with open arms. 

She would wade through an ocean of tears if it meant she got to see Carmen again. 

“Carmen?” Carlotta called, snapping Carmen out of her thoughts. 

“Yeah?” Carmen responded, not bothering to open her eyes. The sound of shuffling feet came from the kitchen, followed by a loud crash. Carmen winced, immediately getting up. “Do you need... help?” 

“I’m fine!” her mom (it still felt weird to think that, to think of Carlotta as her mom, as if her heart dared not believe she had one now) said, craning her neck over the stack of dirty plates that she had been carrying to the kitchen. “I asked if you were ready for dinner.” 

Carmen nodded, rushing over to help Carlotta anyways. Carmen took the plates from her mother’s hands and set them down by the sink, earning her a grateful smile. 

“Carmen,” her mom began, hesitating. (She had taken to Carmen’s chosen name surprisingly well, as she had with every other aspect of her far from normal life. When Carmen had arrived, her mother had made her sit down and tell her everything about the twenty or so years she had lived. When Carmen described how she had stolen her name from a hat, of all things, Carlotta had just laughed, and said “I should have known that you would find yourself in the world. I was not there to give you the world, but you managed to take it anyways.”) 

“You know I love having you here,” Carlotta continued. “It’s been everything I could have hoped for. More, even. But... you left your last life abruptly. I know I’ve only known you for less than two years, but I love you more than you can imagine. Have loved you for the past twenty years. And I can’t help but feel like you’re missing something. Like you’re living life as an echo of what you used to be. Maybe going back for a bit-” 

“Carlotta, no,” Carmen interjected. “You already had to lose me once. It wouldn’t be fair to put you through that again. We’ve talked through this before.” 

Carlotta held Carmen’s hands in her own, her fingers caressing Carmen’s knuckles. 

“I don’t want to lose you again, Carmen. But I’m even more afraid of you losing yourself.” 

Carmen held her mother’s gaze for a moment, feeling the weight of the words sitting on her tongue. She wondered what her mother saw in her eyes. Wondered if she saw the echo of her dead husband, the promise of a life she had never lived. Wondered how much it would take for her to be her own person. 

If she was being honest with herself, maybe that was why she was so reluctant to leave again. She had just gotten her mother back; she didn’t want to become an echo again. 

Maybe she already had. 

“Alright,” Carmen conceded. “But only-” 

Her mother released her hands to throw her arms around Carmen. “You’re brave, Carmen. You faced so much already; you can face this too.” 

It was only then that Carmen wondered if it was fear that was holding her back. It took her a bit longer to wonder what the fear was coming from. 

Seventeen hours later, Carmen stood outside Jules’s apartment. She wiped the palms of her hands on her pants, wondering for the first time if immediately asking Player to book her a flight to Poitiers (earning her a mumble that sounded suspiciously close to “about time”) and ringing the doorbell to Jules’s apartment at six in the morning might not have been her best idea. Not to mention, she hadn’t slept in almost a day at this point. 

Too late for that now. Carmen kept pacing, her eyes taking stock of her surroundings. Even after two years of wonderful, blessed peace, it was hard to break habits that had been instrumental to her survival for so long. 

Suddenly, the door opened, and Jules’s face poked out. 

“Hello?” she asked, her eyes still blurry with sleep. Until they suddenly widened with recognition, and any drowsiness that might have remained fled. “Carmen?” she exclaimed, a second later. 

“Hey Jules,” Carmen managed to say, with a small smile. 

“How- why- what are you doing here?” Jules said as she stepped outside. 

“I’m... not really sure, to be honest with you,” Carmen said. She was painfully aware of how nervous she sounded. 

“Well, I’m certain you have a better idea than I do,” Jules said. A bit of coldness had found its way into her voice, and Carmen winced internally. She deserved it, she knew she did, but that didn’t ease the pain. She had always known that Jules could be fearsome if she wanted to- she just hadn’t prepared herself to ever be on the receiving end of that anger. 

“I should have done this a long time ago,” Carmen said, stuffing her hands into the pockets of her red jacket. “I’m just- I'm just so sorry, Jules.” 

“For?” Jules prompted. Carmen raised an eyebrow; Jules was far too perceptive not to realize what this was about. She’s making me give her a proper apology, she realized, and rightfully so. 

“For running off. For leaving you without so much as a note-” Jules stiffened, and Carmen suddenly remembered why she had avoided coming back here for so long- “for hurting you. When I was. Her.” Carmen stumbled over the words; she couldn’t acknowledge herself and that terrible, cruel person who had been living in her body as the same person. Not yet. 

“You did plenty to hurt me when you were yourself, too,” Jules whispered. 

Carmen stuffed her hands into her pockets, averting her gaze. “I- I know. And I’m so sorry- it's just. After what I did, I thought you would hate me. I thought you would all hate me. You would be better off without me, you still are. It’s too painful otherwise-” 

“Painful for who? Me, or you?” Jules asked. 

“I-” 

Jules cut Carmen off. “Because let me tell you about painful. Painful is all the times I saw Ivy crying in an empty room when she thought we couldn’t see her, hugging that pathetic excuse for a note to her chest because it was all she had left of you. Painful is all the times that Zack would make a bad joke and then turn around and wait for you to laugh at it. Painful is all when I-” Jules’s voice cut off. 

Carmen stepped back like she had been slapped. “You’re right,” she said, deflated. “I should- I should go. I’m sorry. For everything.” 

Jules’s expression softened a fraction. “Carmen, no! Wait!” 

Carmen turned around, getting ready to leave, when Jules grabbed her arm, forcing Carmen to face her. “You don’t get to disappear without a goodbye. Not again.” 

“Fine. You’re right. You deserve that, at the very least. You deserve so much, Jules. I just wish I could give it to you, before I have to leave. You deserve a goodbye.” 

“Is that all this is? A goodbye?” Jules asked quietly. 

“What else would it be?” Carmen responded. She held the other woman’s bold gaze, watching the flickers of hurt and love dance in her eyes, battling to see which would win. 

“A second chance.” A pause, and then. “A hello.” 

“Hello,” Carmen repeated. “I think I would like that.” She pulled Jules into a hug, drawing Jules close to her. “I’ll do better. I promise.” 

“I know you will,” Jules said. Carmen could hear a bit of a smile in her voice, and the last of the tension seeped out of her. 

And in that embrace, Carmen found the last piece of herself that she had been looking for.

**Author's Note:**

> ahhhhh thank you for reading!! variations of this scenario have probably been written already (by people who did it much better than me) but i had an idea and i decided to run with it. if you liked it, maybe spare a kudos or comment? thank you!


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